John Tyman's
Cultures in Context Series
NEPAL 
PART THREE : LIFE IN THE MIDLANDS 
Wedding Ceremonies
475-512
www.johntyman/nepal
Click for full-size images
475. At marriage ceremonies, too, priests have an important role to play; and, till recently, it was unknown here for any man or woman to remain single. A man was said to be fulfilled  by bringing home a wife and begetting a son who would help him cross over to "the land of the souls" after his death. (Sons are also preferred because they do not leave the village when they marry.) A women had to marry to acquire a proper caste status. Before marriage, for example, she could not cook certain types of food for her parents.
.
476.The Brahman and Chetri castes both practice monogamy (though polygamy was once common) and most marriages are arranged even today.  A marriage broker or trustworthy relative would usually be employed by the groom’s family to locate  a suitable partner from a different village but of the same caste. An astrologer would be consulted to see if the couple were  a good match. And an auspicious date for the wedding would be determined by a family priest, who would consult his lunar calendar (since, till recently, it was considered essential that the planet Venus should be visible).
.
477. My friend’s wife, Bidhya, was chosen for him: but he was then introduced to her, and he could if he wished have asked his parents to find someone else. It was rare then for a son to refuse a father’s request that he should marry -- in part because issues of respect, obedience and acceptance of life's challenges are so interwoven with religion. Later, his younger brothers, in contrast, chose their own wives -- in what would be termed "love matches", with ceremonies at which gifts would not be given to the bride or groom. (Here Gopal and a brother kneel before their parents in front of Bidhya.)
.
478. Weddings are “patrilocal” -- meaning that the couple will live in the groom’s village:  and the ceremony will be held at the home of the bride. The wedding I attended was at Tallogotamether, a few hours’ walk from Ramja. It united two Chetri families, but many of the guests were Brahmans, so ritual purification was an issue; and the food was prepared by Brahman priests dressed, as required, in white.
.
479. A groom will arrive at his bride’s house accompanied by a wedding party from his village -- all male -- numbering anywhere between 50 and 500 guests  depending on the wealth of the families involved. They will be preceded by a band of musicians. The procession will be met at a “Welcome Gate” close to the bride’s house (and obscured by the building here) -- from which point the bride will later farewell her family and friends.
.
480. Since the bride’s home adjoined terraced fields it offered an ideal site in which guests could be seated separately -- men separate from women, Brahmans from lesser castes, adults apart from children, and blood relatives from mere friends.
.
481. While they waited for the feast which would be provided by the bride’s family, the guests were entertained by dancers, again only male, though I’m told that women may dance at the bride’s house.
.
482. There should, according to tradition, be at least seven musicians, though richer families can afford more -- all of them drawn from the tailor occupational caste. In other words tailors have two roles to play in a Brahman community; for they make music as well as clothes.
.
483. Though the musicians were paid by the groom’s family, the dancers performed for the joy of so doing. And as the hours passed it was common for members of the audience to join in. [Video Extract 07]
.
484. Meanwhile, in front of the house, relatives of the bride and groom gathered for the ceremony, which began with the bestowal of blessings and the giving  of gifts. I am told that earlier that day, or at some time before it, the couple would  have exchanged garlands of flowers and gold engagement rings, in a ceremony known as “choosing one’s own husband”: but I never saw this.
.
485. Everything was laid out ready.There were containers of rice which could be scattered like confetti, of rice mixed with vermillion and yoghurt which would be applied as tikas, and water from the Ganges (or a tributary) for sprinkling over the bride as a symbol of purity.  And there were bowls beneath the feet of both the bride and the groom so these could be washed by the bride’s parents and closest relatives.
.
486. The process of blessing typically began with a woman from the bride’s family scattering rice or water (over which she has prayed) after placing her gift on the ground in front of the couple then seated on a bed provided by the bride’s parents as a gift.
.
487. She will then mark their heads with tikas of rice, and give either or both of them a small bundle of banknotes.
.
488. She will then kneel to wash the bride’s feet (and the groom’s too in the old days) and touch them with her forehead. Today few people do the actual washing but the ritual they go through in presenting their gifts symbolises it still and is known as the “foot-washer”. [Video Extract 07]
.
489. The money and utensils given to the bride by her family will be hers alone, though meant to equip her for life in a new home. Most gifts were handed over by women but they did so as representatives of their family.
.
490. The ceremony itself was of interest (seemingly) only to relatives of the bride and groom, for most of the wedding guests still watched the dancers, who performed almost non-stop on the terrace below.
.
491. The seating was re-arranged for the wedding ritual. First the groom’s gift was handed over by a fellow Gurkha.The bride was required to touch it to signify her acceptance. The case was filled with new clothes and jewellery, and would be opened later so everyone could see what it contained.  At this time presents will also be given to the groom by the bride’s father.
.
492. The space in front of the couple was covered with sacred symbols and a host of items to be offered to the gods -- often by fire and with the burning of incense. The promises that are made at this point -- to live together until death -- are made in sight of the gods whose presence is symbolised by the fire. [Video Extract 08]
.
493. The ceremony from this point onwards involves rituals using fibres which are used first to symbolise the bride’s severing of the ties that bound her to her former family, and later to bind her to her new home. The white cloth will symbolise the ties that bind them. At this point, though, it is used to hold ritual items together with money -- for the groom’s family is now expected to contribute twice as much money as the bride’s family has given.
.
494. The most important part of a Brahman wedding ceremony (known as Kanyadan) is when the parents of the bride make a gift of her to the groom.This has to be done at the exact moment determined by the priest as auspicious. The hands of the bride are put into the cupped hands of the groom. Her parents can now end the fast they have been observing for the last 24 hours to ensure that they are suitably pure when they give their daughter away. In this photo the bride’s parents are preparing her for this moment -- while their family priest recites Vedic texts.
.
495. The bride is now taken inside the house to change into the clothes she has been given, while the groom joins his friends in the fields below to enjoy the wedding feast.
.
496. Though the guests will be seated in a field in which manure may well have been spread only days before, they all washed their hands before they ate, and they were waited upon by Brahmans -- to avoid the possibility of contamination.
.
497. The men were served first, then the boys close by. All the guests were fed -- both those who arrived with the groom and those invited by the bride’s family. And there was enough food to provide second and third helpings for those who were hungry.
.
498. The meal was a standard dhal bhat tarkari with minor embellishments, and it was distributed in bulk to the rows of diners seated cross-legged.
.
499. The older women who had been invited ate separately, but many of the younger ones went without at that time.
.
500. They lined up outside, watching the action on the terraces below.
.
501. The musicians continued to play and dancers who were tired were simply replaced.
.
502. The marriage ceremony resumed when the bride emerged wearing her new dress and jewellery: but she was far from radiant, being fearful of leaving home and everything that was familiar. Her family’s priest and that of the groom now are now seated together, and another priest has joined them.
.
503. The groom will add his blessing to his wife’s forehead; and he will also place vermillion powder in the parting of her hair, signifying that she is a married woman. She is, in theory, required to re-apply it each day for as long as her husband lives, with vermillion mixed with the original powder given to her on her wedding day!
.
504. There will be several more acts of purification, and more foods offered to gods, including ghee, and a mixture of rice and barley. The ties that bind them as man and wife will be re-affirmed in front of gods present in the sacred fire.
.
505. It was now time to take photographs and display their wedding presents -- almost all of which would be owned by the bride -- water pots, bowls, cups and plates, bedding, and a pressure cooker to speed up cooking and save on firewood.
.
506. In contrast to the Terai (and India generally) where it is usual for the bride’s family (rather than the groom’s) to choose the spouse and for them to pay a dowry, this is rarely required in the Midlands. However, the groom may receive personal gifts from the bride’s father -- clothes perhaps a watch, or a radio.
.
507. Attention once again shifted to the fields below, where dancing continued, watched by crowds arranged over what resembled the “banked seating” of a theatre.
.
508. The groom joined them, while everything was being packed up in readiness for the walk to his village led by the same musicians, for there would be further celebrations when they got there.
.
509. His bride was left on her own to meet with her friends at the Welcome Gate where the groom and his friends had been received earlier in the day.  They did their best to comfort her.
.
510. It is common for priests to tell such young people that they were not brought together by chance, or even by arrangement, but that from their previous lives they had been destined to live together as husband and wife. It is an idea that helps discourage divorce. Divorce is possible legally, but uncommon -- and no more frequent in arranged marriages than in the “love matches” which are common in towns today. At this moment in time, though, marriage was certainly not an attractive proposition from the bride’s point of view!
.
511. The girl was inconsolable and collapsed at several points along the way. She was not merely leaving her family home in company with a man she had not known before, and moving to a village she had never visited. Since her husband was a Gurkha he could either go overseas, leaving her to the mercies of her mother-in-law, or take her with him even further from her home!
.
512. Their wedding presents followed on the backs of porters, but it would be the groom’s job to carry his wife whenever she collapsed. And it was likely be a long journey since, by tradition, it was said that a bride should be chosen from a village at least a day’s walk from her future home. Otherwise she will visit her parents too often and the marriage bond will be weakened as a result!
.

NEPAL CONTENTS


Text, photos and recordings by John Tyman
Intended for Educational Use Only.
Contact Dr. John Tyman at johntyman2@gmail.com
for more information regarding licensing.

www.hillmanweb.com
Photo processing, Web page layout, formatting and hosting by
William Hillman ~ Brandon, Manitoba ~ Canada

..